Perfect Snapshots: Episode Twenty-seven: Clay

10/23/2019

Perfect Snapshots: Episode Twenty-seven: Clay

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Episode Twenty-seven: Clay

I was always a person who suffered from bouts of depression and melancholy. After I had broken up with Vicky, I was an angry, sullen mess for two weeks. My last week in Sydney and my first week in Los Angeles to be exact, but I quickly found that I was much happier without her. I felt stupid for wasting my energy on being emotional over her when she moved on with someone else before the end of those two weeks was even up. But I had never experienced this sort of hollowness before. I was there, but only a shell of myself.

There was no sleep for me, and I either wanted to eat everything or nothing at all. Not that I tasted anything that I shoveled into my mouth. If I wasn’t filming, recording, or editing, I was working out. Hours and hours at a time wasted in my gym on my treadmill or lifting weights in an effort to turn off my mind. All I wanted to do was sleep. All I did was make myself ache.

And what little slumber that I got was filled with vivid dreams of Bella. Or Jasper. Some were sexual, most were not. I dreamed about them together again twice more, though. I was always watching them from some corner, her in my clothes. And then she would moan my name. The name that she had never called me before.

“Hello Edward,” my therapist, Clay, said with a slight smile as I came into his office a week after she left. I was only coming once a month because I was so busy, but also because I didn’t really enjoy the process. Even though I knew that I needed it. “How are you doing today?”

“Um,” I began with an awkward, sad laugh. “Kind of shite, actually.”

“Oh, no! What’s going on?” He asked curiously, pointing to his couch. I sat across from him, kind of lounging in the corner.

I anxiously looked at my hands, rubbing my thumb across my fingers as I considered how to talk about it. “So, uh… I had this photographer that was supposed to follow me around and stay at my place,” I began.

“I remember that gave you quite a bit of anxiety. Did it go badly?” He questioned, obviously reading something from his notes.

“No,” I laughed again before licking my dry bottom lip. “No. It… It went- Perfect. Absolutely perfectly. Um, as it turns out, though… this photographer is the love of my life, and she lives in New York City.”

“Ah,” he remarked, opening his mouth and nodding his head as he took in what I said. It was a dramatic leap, I had to admit, from how I was feeling about it last time that I spoke to him. “Does she not return your feelings?”

“Actually, we’re dating now. Though, I don’t know if hers are as strong as mine. But I realize that I am kind of an intense person.”

He wrote something on his tablet before looking up at me with a face that I couldn’t read. “It’s okay to feel things strongly, but it’s also good that you’re aware of them. So, what’s the problem?”

“She had to go back home, of course, and I now miss her like crazy. I literally fell instantly in love with her, and I’m not that kind of person, you know? I’m not spontaneous. Nothing is instant for me. I have to plan everything, and it takes me a long time to warm up to anyone.”

“Well, it’s understandable to miss someone you love. So, tell me about her,” he encouraged warmly. “What’s her name?”

“Actually, it’s just the most perfect name for her. Bella. Isabella,” I drew out with a fake Italian accent. “She is so beautiful, and she cooks awesome Italian food,” I laughed as I thought about it, smiling to myself.

“Is she Italian?”

I shrugged. “She has no idea what she is. She’s from Texas originally. Charming accent. Here,” I pulled out my phone so that I could show him a picture of her. I actually showed him a couple of them. A normal one from one of the shoots, a picture of us from Halloween, then finally the one I had for her contact picture. She was in my arms on the couch, gold lipstick absolutely smeared everywhere about our faces. I was kissing her temple, my eyes closed as she slid her fingers just behind my ear. Her cheeks were rounded with her cherub smile, her eyes big and bright so that you could see that they were differently colored.

“She is adorable, and you look very happy with her,” he commented.

I nodded, smiling to myself again as I considered my emotions and how I felt with her. “I am. Happier than I’ve ever been, actually. That’s why I feel like shit now. This girl… She’s literally perfect for me. It’s like I found this missing piece that I didn’t know that I had lost. She’s everything that I need. Bella is relaxed, easy-going, cheerful, strong-willed, brave, and so damn smart and funny. She’s even great in my videos!”

“You filmed a YouTube video with her?” He blurted out in surprise. We talked about my fear when it came to trying to find new people for my channel. It was different from the other stuff. This was personal. This was my daily real life. My fun and joy. I just worked so well with my friend group in Sydney. I didn’t know how to open myself up like that again. It took years to build up those relationships.

“Yeah, the second day that she was here. I filmed loads with her, too. I’ve been editing them since she’s left, and I’ve almost finished,” I concluded in a bit of a pout.

I had already started putting mashups of Bella from the videos that I liked but couldn’t go into the final product together. Usually of her making me laugh, or the other way around. Also, there were a few jokes of hers that I had to cut that were fucking hilarious. My favorite super-cut was of her being sarcastic and mean. It included her telling me that I was a fancy bitch at the tattoo shop, calling me a lying liar who lies, her letting me know that my man card was in her purse, and finally advising Tyler to shut up like a Looney Tune character.

“So, does she like being in them as well?”

“Yeah, she really seems to. She’s great at it. Actually, she’s better than great. It’s like she was made to do it. She’s really talented in her own right, too. Bella is a photographer and a musician. I keep thinking of all these fun things that she could do for the channel if she was just here and wanted to, too. And we keep coming up with all these brilliant ideas together. She spits them out so fast that it’s hard to keep up sometimes. You should see how many pages of notes I have on it,” I babbled, and he let me, though that was why I paid him. “She’s my muse, and I want her back now,” I whined like a child.

He smirked a little, tilting his head to the side as he considered his next question. “So, being in a relationship hasn’t hurt your creativity or productivity any as you feared it might.”

“No,” I replied quietly. One of the things that I had complained about with Victoria was how she could kill any spark with a single sour word. I was afraid that would happen in any relationship that I formed. They would insult my fun, and I would hate myself for it, even if they were the actual problem. “The opposite, in fact. I suppose that’s just further proof of how unhealthy that relationship was. Everything is so different with Bella.”

“How so?”

“She’s generous with her time and her energy. Her patience. She helped her friend start a non-profit organization that helps bring culture to groups of people in New York who may have trouble otherwise. Disadvantaged youth, disabled adults. Vicky was so selfish and self-centered. Bella talks to people like she’s giving you all of her attention and gives you compassionate and intelligent answers. She’s gentle and soft. Vicky was so fucking spoiled. Bella’s so grateful for everything. She had a really fucking rough life, though. It- It hurts me how much she’s gone through.”

Clay tapped his stylus pen on his tablet so that it made a slight clicking noise. “What has she gone through, if you can tell me, and how does it hurt you?”

“Well… It hurts because I can see how she’s suffered, and I can’t take that pain away from her. She’s an orphan. Her mother died of a drug overdose with her in the vehicle! It put her in a coma for a week, the car crash that it caused. Her grandmother raised her until she dropped dead when she was fifteen. She told me that they made lunch together after church one Sunday afternoon, her grandma said that she was going to lay down and take a nap. Died in her sleep of a heart attack. No other family in the world. She doesn’t know who her father is. Then she was assaulted when she was seventeen, dragged off behind a dumpster and forced to defend herself with a knife, almost raped. Then her husband just dies, too. Young. He was only forty. He was older than her by bit over a decade, I believe, but still too young.”

“And how old is she?”

“She’s just turned thirty-three. Her husband died close to four years ago,” I over-explained as I scratched my jaw.

He nodded again. “I see. She’s a little older than you.”

I smiled a little. “Mm, just a bit. I don’t mind it. She doesn’t look or act like it.”

“Like what? She doesn’t act or look like what?”

“Oh, like, I don’t know. A judgy ass middle-aged ‘let me speak to your manager’ type, you know? She’s a real free spirit.” I shrugged a little and smirked. “She’s so much like my best mate, actually. I’m still dreaming about him, by the way. I keep dreaming about them together now. Sexually,” I murmured the last word.

Clay nodded briefly in understanding. “Well, that doesn’t really surprise me. Your friend is such an important part of your life. Sex in dreams is often an indication of becoming closer with someone. Or your desire to be closer,” he typed something out as he spoke, then glanced back at me expectantly.

“So, I want my best friend and my new girlfriend to be close?” I sort of asked it like a question. I nodded my head. “Yeah, that makes sense, actually. I keep thinking about how I just need the two of them here, and everything would be perfect. I think that if I had them here, I could keep up with the channel in a way that I like and still do my acting without losing my mind. I feel dirty when I have them, though.”

He kind of chuckled. “We can’t control our dreams, Edward.”

“Oh, I know.” I shrugged again. “I just wish that it was something else that they were doing together vigorously. Like… surfing. Dancing. Fucking bowling… anything else.”

“Is there a reason that sex makes you so uncomfortable?”

Just thinking about it made me blush a little. “Uh, well, sex was a no-go topic in my household growing up. My mother did not tolerate it at all. She said it was undignified, and if I had questions, that’s what a teacher or doctor was for, not parents. Which, in her case, I totally agree. I’d rather talk to my local serial killer about my sex life than my mother,” I stated, thinking back to the gory research that I was doing when I had the chance. It was interesting and terrible all at the same time. “My mother and father showed zero affection to one another growing up. My eldest sister says that they weren’t always like that, so I don’t know what changed. Bella’s very openly affectionate, and she allows me to be as well. Vicky didn’t.”

“Showing affection is very important in a healthy relationship.”

“I agree wholeheartedly. I can’t imagine not wanting to be that way with her constantly,” I admitted to him. “Even thirty or forty years in the future. I can’t conceive of a day when I’m not going to want to hold her hand and kiss her. Cuddle her close to me while we sleep. Fuck, I’m such a dramatic bitch,” I used Jasper’s term for it. It was too accurate.

He put his hand up to stop me. “No, Edward. That is a very normal and healthy thing to feel, and Bella is fortunate to have someone that is excited about those things.”

“Every time we talk, I keep wanting to shout that I love her. It’s too soon. We’ve only been together for a few weeks, and I think that she’s more delicate and timid than she lets on. I feel like I’m just bursting with it. I’m thinking about doing it when I see her again.”

“When will that be?”

I bit my lip for a moment. “Later this month. I’m going on a vacation to New York for my birthday.”

“How long will you be together then?” He typed some more.

I looked up at him worriedly. “Just a month. Is that too soon?”

“I think that’s a very individualized answer. I would have to know Bella to give you one. Do you think that it’s too soon?”

“It might be. I should probably wait to see how the trip goes before I vomit my feelings all over her. God, I already know that I’m going to blurt it out stupidly while all I want to do is plan and make it perfect for her. Everything about her life has been so unromantic. It would be nice to give her some little moments that maybe we can tell our grandkids about.”

“Those moments aren’t usually planned,” Clay replied, writing something down and glancing back at me with a little smile. “You said that she was spontaneous. Perhaps she would prefer it if you blurted it out?” He questioned me curiously.

“Maybe,” I smiled, knowing that she would surprise me no matter how I did it.

“So, why don’t you tell me what else you have going on right now?”

Taking a deep breath, I thought about my life. “Oh, I’m starting my training for a movie next week. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I was kind of worried because I’ve never done anything like it before, but now I’m nervous because I’m not sleeping more than usual.”

“Have you considered talking to your GP about sleep aids? Is the cannabis not helping?”

“Oh, it helps. I’ll get to sleep. I just won’t stay asleep for very long. No. I don’t want to try sleeping pills yet. I don’t like how those make me feel. And I do weird shit sometimes, and I’m alone now. I don’t want to drown. Or walk into the street. Fall off a cliff,” I finished dramatically, making him chuckle. “Honestly, when my girlfriend was here, it was the best sleep that I’ve probably gotten in years. She said it was because of all our fucking.”

He laughed loudly at my unexpected words. “She might not be wrong. Sex is actually great for that. So, let’s go back and talk about your anxiety over your training…”

We spent the next thirty minutes talking about my work worries. It was usually how we spent the sessions. By the time I left his office, I felt exhausted. I stopped for a junk food dinner before going home to edit until dawn.

The Sunday morning before the training for the movie began, I drank two doses of NyQuil Severe liquid. Then I darkened the room with blackout curtains, turned the air conditioner down to sixty, put on two fans, laid under a very expensive weighted blanket that was specially made for my giant self with classical music playing on my phone despite my earplugs and an eye mask. It still took at least two hours to fall asleep. When I did, I slept until Monday morning.

I quickly learned that there was nothing to be anxious about the fight training. I had more than enough athletic ability to do whatever they wanted for the scenes. The training itself was actually fun, but it was arduous. I was working out two hours a day, at least, on top of my twelve hours of instruction. We had minimal time with the stunt choreographer, so we had to cram as much in there as possible. He liked me, and we worked well together.

Every night, I crawled into bed, sore and dead tired. But before I went to sleep, Bella and I texted or spoke. It was the very best part of any day.

She indulged my every message with a relatively quick answer, often sending her own at times when she knew that I was busy just so that I would have something waiting for me. She would send me her thoughts, pictures, funny memes, or songs that she liked at the moment. I especially loved her varied taste in music and started making a playlist of just the ones that she suggested. When she realized how much I enjoyed it, she didn’t hold back with our communication, and it was making me feel better.

By the end of that week, I was finally feeling like a real human again. I was still sad, and I missed her, but I was getting better at controlling it. That and being rested helped a lot as well.

Even though I wasn’t there, I tried to spoil my sweet girlfriend. She spoke of her love of one the local diner’s breakfast food and having it delivered. It was the crack of dawn, and I was in the back of the car being driven to training when I had a thought.

“Hey Alice, this is Eddie. I would like to have some breakfast delivered for Bella, and you, of course, and I was hoping that you’d be able to help me out,” I texted her best friend over Facebook messenger. I didn’t have her real phone number yet.

“Sure :D,” she answered right away. “How can I be of assistance?”

“Bella was talking about these strawberry Nutella waffles that she really likes?”

“Gotcha! Would you like me to set up the order so that you can just pay for it? I know what you’re talking about. I’ll order what she likes,” she typed very quickly.

I smiled at her helpful best friend. I already liked her. “That would be perfect.”

Less than a minute later, a link popped up to a food delivery website. It had two breakfast meals ordered, one strawberry Nutella waffle with whipped cream. Extra of everything with it on the side, country ham, a bowl of fruit, and some chocolate milk. And then a triple chocolate crepe, bacon, a large fruit smoothie, and a large iced coffee. Alice was going to take advantage of my offer, and I couldn’t blame her. It was still less than twenty-five dollars with the tip and everything, though. I was surprised that it was so cheap.

Bella sent me pictures of them eating their massive spread on Alice’s bed in their sleep clothes. They were both were animal themed footie pajamas. It gave me so much joy. Patty, the cat, was begging for waffles in the background.

It was just after nine when I was finally able to call her. It was the second to last day of training, and I was so ready for it to be over with.

“Hey there, handsome,” her voice purred warmly over the receiver.

“Hi,” I breathed out. Talking to her like this made me feel like a teenager again. I enjoyed the calls, wanting to learn everything about her.

Perhaps Bella was right. That we needed to have some separation from our perfect bubble to figure out our feelings. It forced me to not focus on our fantastic sex lives, at least when I was talking to her. I had learned a hundred new and fascinating things about my interesting girl. Things that endured her to me even more and made my feelings deepen. The separation only solidified my adoration.

“So, I was thinking about what I’d like to teach you to cook while you’re here,” she began almost teasingly. “I want to start you off easy with some Tex-Mex since you love tacos so much.”

“They won’t be as good as yours,” I complained, but I was smiling.

She laughed lightly. “I’ll be there helping. They’ll be fine. And if they’re terrible, we’ll just order some pizza. Oh! You know what would be impossible, but fun? The ranking of the top five New York-style pizzas.”

“That sounds fucking delicious, but I think that I’d need to research before we attempted that.”

“Probably so. Just narrowing down the top ten places would be hard. God, so much pizza. We’d need a big pitcher of beer to go with it,” she continued.

“Mm, what kind of beer?” I just wanted to hear her keep talking.

“With pizza? I like a cold sweet lager with lots of citrus. There is a strawberry pale-ale that I really like at this bougie place in Manhattan that Demetri adores. It’s draft, and they serve it with a slice of orange. It’s really good. It’s so easy to drink.”

“I like listening to you describe things so much,” I sort of smirked to myself. “What kind of pizza would you like with this strawberry ale? Make me hungry, baby. I need to eat and go to bed, but I might be too tired to bother.”

She giggled at my dumbness. “What kind would I like with that? Hm. I think that I’d like one of those big proper New York pizza-rat sort of slices.” I laughed loudly and abruptly at her unexpected answer, making her giggle again in return. “Probably pepperoni.”

“Mm, yum. I’m so hungry now,” I said dryly.

“I know, right?” Bella teased in a silly voice. “I’ve actually been cooking a lot to prepare for Thanksgiving. I’ve been eating constantly.”

We spoke for thirty minutes just about all of the food that she was planning for the big day. My girlfriend was obviously excited. Then we talked about my training. Her practice. We ended up chatting until it was near midnight my time. She was practically falling asleep on the phone but was fighting it as hard as she could.

In the dream that I had about her that night, we went on a lovely picnic and ate all her delicious food before we made love under a blue sky in a white flower-filled meadow in the mountains. We laid beside each other, holding hands after as we smiled. I told her that I loved her, though I couldn’t hear myself saying the words.

She replied with, “I love you too, Tony.”

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