Perfect Snapshots: Episode Twenty-five: Broken

10/16/2019

Perfect Snapshots: Episode Twenty-five: Broken

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Episode Twenty-five: Broken

I was stupid hungover when I woke up. Most of the last part of the evening before was kind of a blur, but I knew one thing for sure.

It was Bella’s last day in Los Angeles. It was her final day with me.

I felt on the verge of tears, just waking up. There was nothing that I could do but stare up at the ceiling, sadly. Bella shifted so that she was laying with her head on my chest. She was quiet too. My arms tightened around her.

“It can't be over,” I blurted out.

“It's not forever,” she whispered.

“It's just been so perfect. I don't want it to end.” I let my hand fall down her back as I held her. “It's been like a dream, and I don't want to wake up. Or maybe I actually died during that stupid jump, and this is my idea of heaven. I'm not sure.”

Bella rolled over some to look at me with a sweet little smirk. “You are such a romantic soul. It's just a couple of weeks, really. You'll barely have time to think of me anyway. I've seen your schedule for the next month.”

I wasn’t sure how she could think that.
“I couldn't not think of you if I tried,” I mumbled as I pushed her hair behind her ear.

“When you're in New York, we can plan my next visit and figure out what videos you want to make when I'm here,” she said lightly, hopefully. “What do you want to do for your birthday? We'll do whatever you want.”

“I don't know. I'll be happy as long as I'm with you. I don't know if I want to do anything at all, honestly. Stay in bed and order food,” I answered as I took her cheek into my palm and gently traced the curve with my thumb. She smiled.

“Oh, that sounds nice. Can we do that today as well?” She tangled her legs with mine, her hip pressing against me.

“Yes, please,” I answered with a kiss.

We needed a shower horribly, but we were too hungry and hungover for that, so we decided to have breakfast first. Bella put on my hoodie, and it looked like a dress on her. I made us coffee while we waited for our late lunch to go with our joints by the pool. Bella laid across me comfortably.

The weather was perfect, not too hot or cold. It was just the slightest bit windy. In my head, I prayed for rain. I begged for storms that I knew weren’t coming.

Bella kept her big sunglasses on even when we came inside to eat, her temple leaning against her fist as she nibbled on a turkey club with a runny egg and chips.

“This is why I stopped seriously partying at your age,” she mumbled under her breath.

“Painkillers?” I offered. “I have aspirin and some high-powered ibuprofen from the dentist that I have leftover from some work that I had done a few months ago.”

“Mm, high-powered,” she responded. “I hate the dentist. What did you have done?”

“I cracked a molar,” I told her as I fetched her one of the tablets. I took one as well.

“Ow.”

“I didn’t feel a thing.” I shrugged. “Did it on camera too. At least it was a back tooth. Why do you hate the dentist?”

“The accident knocked a lot of my teeth loose, and they put silver caps on them to keep them from coming out too soon. Half of my mouth was silver for ages. Then braces, retainers. All that good stuff,” she explained. I nodded my head. I could see why she would detest that.

I decided to change the subject. “What would you like to do after this?” I offered next. “It’s up to you. We have all day.”

She licked her lips as she thought. “I’m too hungover for anything, honestly.”

“Thank god, because so am I,” I replied, making her snort but smile.

“Do you just want to… cuddle for a while?”

“Just want to go back to bed?” I asked. She nodded her head. “Yeah, let’s go cuddle and wait for the medicine to kick in. That sounds like a good idea.”

We laid there for a good long hour in silence with her still in my hoodie and me in just my basketball shorts. Her fingers curled around my hands, and she held them to her lips, occasionally kissing them.

My thoughts were all over, but they were mostly in a very dark place. I was so scared, and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the next day. I didn't want to be away from Bella for even a day to go to work. Weeks sounded terrible. I tried to remind myself that I would see her again soon, but it wasn't enough.

And what if something happened and it was the last night that I saw her? What if she came to her senses and realized what a wreck I actually was? Would this be the last night that we spent together? Would I only be allowed this tiny bit of happiness? I felt like I just got a taste, and it was being ripped away from me.

“What are you thinking?” She asked softly. I shook my head, kissing her cheek. Bella rolled over to look at me. “You have glitter in your hair,” she giggled.

“You’re pretty sparkly yourself there, princess,” I chuckled, rubbing away a piece of red glitter off of her forehead.

She smiled, slowly leaning in to kiss my lips before pressing her face into my neck.

“I don’t think you know how much I needed this,” she breathed out. “How much I needed you.”

“Oh, did you need me?”

“Mmhmm. I needed something bright and cheerful in my life, and you're honestly just-” Bella stopped and sighed, kissing my neck. “You make me feel so nice.”

“I don’t know if I have the ability to describe how you make me feel, Isabella.” She smiled at my use of her full name. “Thank you for just dropping your life and staying with me. I realize that’s not an easy thing.”

“Mm, it was pretty easy,” she countered as she scrunched up her nose.

“I don’t want you to leave,” I admitted.

“I don’t want to, either. I really don't. I love it here with you.”

“Do you really?” She nodded. I smiled a little to myself. “So, um… I was thinking. I really should hire a photographer for the channel and-”

Bella giggled, pressing herself closer to me. I hugged her tighter, pulling her onto my chest as I laid flat on my back. “When I’m here, I’ll be your photographer.”

“You’re my photographer, no matter where you are.”

“Sweet man,” she breathed against my throat.

“Mm, it’s the truth,” I mumbled as I rubbed a hand down her back and pushed it underneath the hoodie so that I could move my fingers up her bare skin. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.”

I rolled us over again so that I was hovering above her. She was looking up into my eyes, biting her bottom lip as she did so. Carefully, she traced her fingers over my jaw and pulled me into a lingering kiss. Bella moaned against my mouth, her legs drawing up around my hips so that it pushed the hoodie over her own to expose her panties.

“I want you,” I said as I kissed her lips over and over again. “I need you,” I begged.

“I’m yours,” she promised. “I’m yours, Edward. Kiss me. Kiss me, please.”

We made love for a long time. I don’t think that I have ever experienced anything like it before. I had never felt so connected to someone. Touching her was bliss, being inside of her was heaven. Her kisses gave me so much pleasure. I hoped that she felt that way as well.

Afterward, we showered, and I watched her pack like a sulking child. I tried to be better at dinner and breakfast, but it was so hard. As we sat outside the airport, it felt as if my chest was starting to very slowly crumble into itself. I tried to just keep babbling, letting my mouth say whatever it wanted. It didn't matter what words I spoke, Bella wouldn't be there in the afternoon to greet me with a kiss when I was done with work.

Rain lightly fell on the windshield, teasing me. Storms? Ha! Obviously, my prayers were not strong enough.

She kept checking the time on her phone. One final time, she sighed. “I need to go inside.”

For all my words, I had none. I was going to cry. I was barely holding it together.

Holding her face in my hands, I kissed her. She brought her fingers up to mine, pressing them harder to her cheeks. When I finally ended it, Bella kissed my palm. Her nose nuzzled it for a moment.

I need her so badly. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle the next few days.

“Take me with you,” I blurted out, making her laugh. I felt myself beginning to lose it. Sucking in a deep breath through my nose, the tears started to gather at my eyes.

“You won't fit in my luggage, sadly.”

“I'm going to miss you terribly.”

“I'll miss you, too. We'll text. We'll call. There is always Facetime and Skype. And in no time, you will be strolling through Central Park and skating at Rockefeller center with me,” she said lightly, but I could see the strain on her own face.

I was being a selfish asshole. I needed to try for her. This was hard on her, too.

But… she really did want to be with me, and that made me so happy.

“Maybe we can go to a Broadway show together, too.”

“Anything you want. And after the charity show, I'll have almost a full week off with you. We can do whatever you want,” she promised.

“What if I just want to spend it in your arms?”

Her lips actually quivered, her breath ragged in her throat. “Stop making it so hard to leave.”

Just don’t leave. Please. Please don’t leave me. I love you, I wanted to shout at her. I need you.

“Never,” I forced a smile as kissed her again.

I stayed in the airport lobby until I watched her curly black hair disappear, turning a corner after security. Numbly, I walked back to the car. I flopped down into the seat, my fingers automatically gripping the steering wheel. Looking at the clock, I realized that there were still two hours before I needed to be at the photoshoot.

Pressing my forehead to the steering wheel, I began to weep.

Jasper’s ringtone started to sing too cheerfully about ten minutes into my little tantrum.

“Hey there, darling,” he greeted slowly, gently. “How are you?”

My breath caught in my throat, my voice thick and gunky. “I just made a huge mistake. Why did I let her leave? I feel like I just watched the best thing that’s ever happened to me slip through my fingers. And I just her go!”

“She couldn't stay. You knew that.”

“I know! Logically, of course. I know.”

“It’s not forever.”

“What if it is?” I all but whimpered. “What if that's all that I'm going to get? You don't understand! I love her. I legitimately love her. I want her. I want her to be my wife, and I want to spend the rest of my life giving her fucking everything that she could ever dream of! I could do it! I have never met a better person in my life. She makes me feel so confident and happy. If she asked for a hundred mansions, she'd deserve every single one of them!” He let me rant.

“You are so fucking dramatic,” he quietly sighed.

“Tell me not to buy a plane ticket to New York. Tell me to be an adult and not follow her.”

“Is it that bad, Tony?”

“Yeah. It is. Please give me reasons because I can’t think of any.”

“You can’t drop your life for a girl, darling. I know that you adore her. She does seem lovely. But doesn’t she need to work too? You have a life there.”

“No. I have a career. I didn’t have a life until Bella walked through my door.”

He clicked his tongue and snorted softly. “God, I really do hope someone talks about me the way you talk about her one day.”

I sighed softly, swallowing back heavily. “They will. I promise. You’re amazing.”

“Is there anything that I can do to make you feel better?” He asked quietly.

“Come. Please. Come to America.” I felt fresh tears begin to well up in my eyes as I said the words.

“Tony, don’t do this right now. You’re just upset-”

“Please?”

“We can’t keep doing this. Bella has got you sad, I know, but-”

“No!” I shouted through my tears. “No! This is not about her. I want you here with me. I don’t understand why you don’t want to be here. I don’t understand why you didn’t come in the first damn place. I need you,” I begged him, my nose stinging as I cried. “I’ve always needed you.”

“You obviously don’t. Stop that,” he snapped sharply.

“I do.”

“You just sold a script all on your own-” he began, but I cut him off before he could continue.

“No, I fucking didn’t! You know how much you’ve helped me. I couldn’t have written half the goddamn thing if it weren’t for you! You deserve a writing credit! And to be bloody paid-”

“Look! I'm sorry that you've got your knickers in a twist because your new little girlfriend couldn't play anymore and had to run along home, but I'm not having this fight with you again! So, why don't you finish picking your panties out of your fanny and look for your head while you're at it? It's going to be impossible to take pictures of your pretty face with it shoved so far up your arse.”

“Hey! What is your fucking problem?” I growled angrily.

“I'm sick of you thinking that you can have everything you want just because you want it! Bella wanted to go home. If she didn't, she would have stayed. I'm sorry. It's sucks. But she's an adult. Just like fucking me. She's got a mind of her own, and you can't tell either of us what to do.”

“I know that!”

“Then stop trying to bully me into something that I’ve already told you ‘no’ about many times. If I change my mind, I’ll let you know. But for right fucking now, I’m going to go work. Like I believe you should as well.”

“I’m not bullying you! I just don’t fucking understand!”

“YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE WHEN YOU’RE BEING A BULLY, ASSHOLE. THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!”

“Fine!” I snapped. “I am so goddamn sorry that I am bothering you. I thought that we were as close as two people could be. Honestly, I must be fucking terrible to be around. Did you hate living with me so much?”

“No! You will not make this about you!”

“It must be me! I know that you hate it there.”

“I have responsibilities.”

“Your father is a grown man.”

“So are you. Now act like it. I’m going to work,” he mumbled then hung up on me.

I threw my phone against the dashboard and cracked the screen.
“Fuck!” I growled.

Sighing heavily, I decided to go ahead and replace my phone. I had time to waste before the photoshoot anyway.

When the photographer told me that it was going to be a more serious set, I was at least relieved that I didn’t have to fake a smile for anyone.

By the time I got home, there was a text on my new phone from Jasper. “Look, I’m sorry that I’m an asshole. I’m just in a mood. I really am sorry that you’re upset. Things will work out for you and her. Just, maybe chill the fuck out with the dramatics, alright?”

“Yeah, alright,” I sent back.

“If not with me, with her. You’ll scare her off. Just my advice. Not everyone is used to you like me.”

“Yeah, probably solid advice. I’m tired. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Call me when you’re ready.”

“Yeah,” I sighed to myself, rubbing my hands over my face.

My head hurt, and I was tired, but I wasn't going to go to sleep. So, instead, I began to edit. Bella was in so many of the videos that I had recently made. I seemed so stupidly obviously in love with her in them, I wondered if she knew already. She smiled up at me so adoringly and sweetly.

My phone buzzed beside me after a couple of hours. It was from my new girlfriend. “Finally made it.”

“Was your flight okay?” I asked. I wanted to tell her that I missed her but resisted.

“It was first class. Of course, it was great. Thank you. I was champagne drunk, though. It makes everything seem nicer. How was your day?”

I decided to be a little funny. “Someone else took my picture. I didn't like it. I don't think they did it right. Come back and show them how.”

“It's just because you're salty. I'm sure they were great pictures. You're too pretty for them to be bad. Be nice to the other photographers. They can't help it that they're not me,” she replied funnily.

“I suppose you're right, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.”
She answered a moment later. “I know. I'm sorry. I'm falling asleep. I'm really tired. I'll text you later.”

Even if I knew she had to be exhausted, I wasn't ready to stop talking to her. But Jasper was right. I needed not to be so dramatic, or I would scare her. It was the last thing that I wanted. “Okay. Sweet dreams, my darling.”

I edited for hours, my mind never even thinking about shutting off for a second. I got a lot of work done, but I wasn't exactly happy about the headache that I was suffering from.

Somewhere along the way, I gave up and sent Bella a text just to make myself feel better.

“Oh, that's right. I forgot I was an insomniac for a moment there.”

An hour later, she answered while I was outside smoking. It was the first time that I really felt like I needed it to get rest in a while. I had tried earlier in the evening, but it didn't do anything but made me hungry. After laying in bed angrily for thirty minutes, I just decided to edit some more.

“It's amazing what that much fucking can do for your sleep.”

I laughed at her answer, surprised to see her text so quickly. “lol, True. Why are you awake?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“Can I call?” I had to hear her voice. I was trying not to be dramatic, but I still needed to listen to her again. Even if it relieved my anxiety just a little. My phone began to ring in my hand.

“Don't you have things to do tomorrow? Don't you have to play video games or something? It's… three something there,” she started flippantly.

“Well, I got used to falling asleep with you in my arms. I tried going to sleep, but... here I am, outside, smoking. What are you doing awake?”

“Just couldn't get comfortable. I've got really bad jet lag right now. And I can hear Alice in the shower getting ready for work, so I'll stay up to say goodbye to her. She's got a day trip to Amish Country. I'm going to ask her to pick me up some jam and honey, I think. Cheese, probably too. I need to go grocery shopping today. Al lives like you when I'm not around,” Bella explained.

“Poor girl.”

“Right?” She cheekily teased.

“Well, I imagine it's not hard to get spoiled to your cooking, though,” I said honestly, a little smile on my face as I picked at the bottom of the leg of my shorts.

“When you come here, I’ll cook for you a bunch.”

“I would really love that. But you don’t have to.”

“Well, I did promise you that I would teach you how to cook if you came to my tiny kitchen… so…” She trailed off puckishly.

“That you did,” I chuckled. “Well, I look forward to your instruction, my beautiful little teacher.” She giggled softly in return.

There was a moment of quiet on the other end before she spoke again. “The sun is starting to come up. You should see it. It's beautiful.”

I decided to turn Facetime on. It was an excellent excuse to see her face again. Instantly Bella came into the frame. She was wearing a violet beanie over her thick curly hair. Her face was pale, and I could see by the purple under the eyes that matched her hat that she was tired.

“Damn, I am sexy,” she joked.

She had just traveled several hours on a plane and then struggled to sleep for a few more. Even so, my girlfriend was still the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen. “You look adorable. Don't worry.”

Bella stood from her couch and walked over to the window before fully opening the curtain to show me her perspective. It was breathtaking. The orange sun was rising slowly over the Manhattan skyline and making it glow a beautiful purplish-red and robin’s egg blue. I could see why the view made her as happy as it did.

“What a thing to wake up to. It might be worth waking up early to take that ferry after all.”

Bella giggled again. “Or we can just stay out all night. That might be the better choice. This place isn't everything, but that view is.”

I wanted nothing more than for her to show me everything about her life in New York.

“Why don't you give me the house tour?”

She quietly laughed at my request. “Okay, well, it'll be pretty short. This wall is basically just the window and my window seat, which is actually all my clothes. And there is my bed with all my shit still on it because I was too tired to do anything about it last night. The couch that I normally sleep on, because you know, I'm an adult. My desk. And in the corner we have our musical instrument collection,” Bella said as she showed me a wide variety of instruments. “Which is dusty as hell at this point. I guess Alice didn't fuck around with them while I was away.”

“Do you play an instrument?” Something sort of clicked in my brain, and I realized that there was something about that subject that I needed to remember.

“I play the piano and violin pretty well, the guitar and bass kinda sorta and banjo terribly because I'm a damn hipster, I guess. Alice can play the viola, bass, and piano, as well. We all did music together. Rose, too. She did the flute and the piano a little, too.”

It took a minute for what she said to all sink in. Then the beauty queen bit came to mind. Bella had told me that she played the banjo and fiddle. She was serious.

“Jesus, you are your own band. And you can sing, too.” Then the thing I needed to remember popped into my head. “Wait, you said you had a degree in music, didn't you?”

“That I'm really not using. I minored in photography. I also studied a program at Julliard for a hot second. It was only a class for a semester.” She showed me her diploma on the wall. It was from New York University. NYU was actually a consideration of mine when I went to uni, but I decided to stay in Sydney. I wasn't ready to lose my family or my friends. NYU was a tough school to get into, though. She must have been very talented.

“Why didn't you tell me you were so accomplished?”

Bella made a little face. “Because I'm not? Lots of people study music, and some can make a living off of it. I'm not passionate enough about it to do so. Or good enough at it. I quickly became disillusioned of the possibility in my early, early twenties.”

I had a million more questions that I wanted to ask her. I had just basically learned that my girlfriend was a hundred times cooler than I initially thought.

“Were you in a band or anything?”

She bit her lip as she scrunched up her nose a little, shrugging her shoulders barely in the frame. “Uh… I guess you could say that. I was a part of a few different orchestras at different times. Mainly in school. Not like any rock bands, though. I haven't been in any for a few years, though.”

“You'll have to play for me one day.” I had already heard her sing and knew that she had a fantastic voice. I couldn’t imagine what other talents she was hiding from me. Actually, she hadn’t hidden her musical prowess, I just hadn’t paid enough attention.

“Mm, let me practice first,” she said with a small smile as she walked towards some folding doors. “This is Patricia's room.”

I thought her roommate’s name was Alice.

And then a very fat fluffy cat jump into frame and literally shrieked at Bella’s head.

“Oh, wow. She's loud.”

“She's a lying ass whore who has been fed this morning. Don't yell at me, Patty Cat. I see the crumbles in your bowl,” she cooed in a baby voice to the cat as she delicately rubbed its chin. Obviously, the creature loved it and purred in happiness.

“She's been fed!” Someone called faintly on Bella’s side.
“I know,” my girlfriend answered before rolling her eyes with a tiny grin. “She's loud, too.”

Bella obviously walked somewhere just a few feet away. It was a small apartment. Then her kitchen came into view. It was half the size of my smallest bathroom. All of my closets were literally bigger.

“Did I wake you?” A petite woman with curly black hair asked over a mug, the words barely mumbled out.

“Nope.”

“Hello,” I began when I realized that I was being introduced.

“Oh! Good morning! Nice to meet you. I've heard nothing about you,” she stated way too cheerfully. Bella sort of rolled her eyes again from beside her, shaking her head a little.

I couldn’t help but laugh as I took another hit. “Well, I've heard a lot about you.” My girl obviously loved her best friend very much. And I loved that about her. It’s something that we had in common, though I wasn’t as vocal about it as she was. I missed Jasper so much that when I talked about him, it hurt.

“Oh, no. I'm sorry. Don't believe any of her lies,” Alice commented funnily.

“So, you're both like this?” I deadpanned in return.

“Ha! Yeah, we are. All three of us actually. Rosalie, too,” her friend laughed. “Alright, I need to go pick up the van. I love you. Have a good day.” Alice kissed Bella's cheek, and my girlfriend leaned into it, rubbing a quick hand over her cheek almost mindlessly. “I look forward to talking about you in great detail later.”

“Hopefully good things.”

“She will tell me everything. Everything.” Well, it seemed fair. I told Jasper everything about her. I was surprised that she hadn't yet. Bella was a quiet person, though, and we had been so closely wrapped up in each other over the last few heavenly weeks.

“Mostly good,” Bella smirked then called out to her friend before she left. “Text me when you get there. I have things I want you to pick up for me!” I didn’t hear her answer.

There was a scraping noise as my tired little girlfriend sat down at her white kitchen table in the corner. “Mr. Cullen, you're going to be terrible tomorrow if you don't get a few hours of sleep. Go to bed.”

“But you won't be there,” I sighed. “Alright. You are correct, Ms. Swan. Go back to bed for a while. You look exhausted.”

“I will. I'm just going to eat the rest of this box of doughnuts first.”

That was not a terrible idea. I was going to probably finish off the last of the Little Debbies that we had shared those first videos together.

“Okay. Sweet dreams.”

“You too, sugar. Text me later when you get a chance. I already miss you.”

I smiled to myself as she said the words. I was glad that she had voiced them first. I needed to hear them more than I realized. “I miss you, too. I will, I promise. Goodnight, love.”

Quietly in the darkness, I finished my joint before heading into the house. Two Swiss cake rolls and a nutty bar later, I crawled into a bed that still smelled like Bella. Her perfume was on the sheets and ingrained into my pillows. There were still specks of glitter from the Halloween party everywhere in my bedroom. I pushed my face into the cushion that she used the most and tried to pretend she was beside me so that I could fall asleep.

It didn’t work.