Perfect Snapshots: Episode Ten: Couldn't Help Myself

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Episode Ten: Couldn't Help Myself

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I was still very drunk when I sat down by my pool with a joint and another beer after the party because fuck it. I was in no mood for a text conversation. I quickly dialed Jasper’s number. I knew he would be awake.

He answered on the second ring. It was maybe three in the morning in LA but evening in Sydney. 

“Well, it either went very well or terribly,” he said instead of hello. 

“I fucked up again,” I bemoaned, taking a long hit. “I asked her if she wanted a job.”

He laughed, “what? Why?”

“Because, I fucking panicked and I’m drunk,” I whined, rubbing my forehead. “She said no.”

“And, did she give you a reason to why she said no?” He asked quietly. 

“Because she lives in New York, obviously. Of course. She said she’d say yes otherwise.”

“I bet that was an awkward end to the evening,” he mumbled. 

"Actually, that wasn't the end of the night. We actually danced. A lot." 

"So, you offered this girl a job drunkenly, she tells you no, but she would if she lived closer, and then you two dance all night? Dumbass, just tell her you like her. What the fuck is wrong with you? She doesn't want you to be her boss. She wants you to be her Daddy.”

I ignored him. “She’s right, though. She lives across the goddamn country, Jasper! I’m busy. I have work. She has to work. And she obviously just wants to be friends.”

"How is that obvious? From what I'm hearing, it's not. From what I've seen in the footage, it's not." 

I took another hit. “She said that we were friends now.”

“When you offered her a job?”

“Yeah.”

"Let me repeat that. When you offered her a job that she said would say yes to if she lived in LA. She then told you that you two were friends." 

“Yeah. She said, ‘well, you have my phone number. We’re friends now’.”

He laughed at my terrible southern accent. “Okay. And what did she say this in response to exactly?”

“I told her that I didn’t want tomorrow to be the last day that I see her.”

“You are a dumbass. That means she wants you to use that phone to call her when all of this is done. So, you know, you can be really good friends.” I could almost see his stupid eyebrow wiggle. I laughed despite myself, leaning my head back against the cushions. 

“I don’t think so,” I sighed. 

“I’ve been watching more of the footage from the charity thing. The jump, too. She’s so into you. She’s just... scared. You’re kind of a big deal. I get it. So… just... Grow a pair and seduce her. You’re hot. You’re young. You’re rich. Show her a good time. If you can’t do it, no one can. What do you have planned for tomorrow?”

“Nothing. But… She literally doesn’t care about any of those things.”

“Then what does she care about?” He questioned me. “Surely you’ve been paying attention.”

“Uh, I don’t know. It’s not like we’ve got to talk about that kind of stuff a lot. I mean, she’s really passionate about her friends and her charity stuff,” I concluded, searching my brain for all the conversations we had together.

“Okay, but what does she like to do for fun? Have you asked her?”

“Actually, I really think taking pictures is what she does for fun. She always looks so happy when she’s doing it. She takes trips with her roommate to take photos together.”

“Well,” he cleared his throat a little. “I mean, it’s LA. There have to be a million great places to take some there. What do you think she’d like to do? What kind of pictures would she like to take?”

“She… She actually said earlier that she really likes to go to the zoo to take pictures. And, at the beach. Especially at sunset because those are her favorite, even if she has a ton of them and they all look the same,” I grinned to myself as I thought about it. It was like all my stock footage that I had. I took another swig of my beer. “I was kind of thinking that it sounds like the perfect date, actually.”

“Yeah, it does,” Jasper agreed quickly. “I mean, throw some food in there, too.”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure,” I laughed quietly. “You know me. I already thought that, too. She’s actually really into food. And, I find it stupidly hot for some reason. I like watching her eat. And, she really likes champagne, too,” I chuckled. “I think we went through four bottles worth tonight.” 

“So, take her to brunch. It’s Sunday, right? Fill her with mimosas, walk around the zoo, flirt, take her to the beach. Have a romantic stroll on the sand. Be a man and tell her directly how you feel about her. Stop dancing around. Go back to your place and shag. Because Tony, darling, you need it.”

I laughed loudly, “is it that easy?”

“Is it not?” He questioned. “Look, you’re controlling this show. Make tomorrow perfect for her. Sweep her off her feet.”

“Sweep her off her feet?” I took another hit. 

“Yes. You are Eddie fucking Cullen. You are talented, smart, and charming. You know how to pretend to talk to women, now actually use those skills to talk to the fucking woman you claim to be in love with now. If she’s worth it, you’ll do it.”

“She’s worth it,” I whispered. 

“Then go for it!” He nearly shouted into the phone. “Honestly. Have you never successfully asked a woman out?”

"I asked Courtney out, but we were like seventeen, and I literally asked her in a handwritten note. And Vicky and I were set up by our mothers. I mean, I've asked women to dinner, but it never ended up being more than a meal, and it's literally been five years. Victoria and I were together for four years, and I haven't been out with anyone since then." 

“You’re seriously overthinking this.”

“Are you surprised?”

“No,” he laughed. 

"I just don't want to miss this chance with her, and I don't want to screw it up. And what if I come off as some creepy ass Hollywood type? I don't want to come off like Weinstein here." 

“Well, ask her out while not wearing a robe. Try it fully dressed and let her decide when she wants to touch your penis,” Jasper said sarcastically. 

“Okay. Yes, obviously.”

“You’re such a prude,” he mumbled. “I’m surprised you even danced with her.”

"Hey!" I snapped at him. "I even asked her. You'd be proud. Even if it was after two bottles of that champagne that I was telling you about. She is an incredible dancer, by the way. I have never danced like that with a woman before." 

"This crush is adorable, Tony," he chuckled.  

“No, seriously. Her hips- The way they… Oh, my god. And, her ass,” I stuttered. “Mm. Her ass. She kept rubbing it on me, and I swear to God… If she asked me to fuck her in the middle of the dance floor, I would have right then." 

He laughed loudly. “You poor bastard.”

“I’ve not wanked this much since I was a teenager,” I told him drunkenly. I snubbed out my joint. I had enough for the night. My beer was empty anyway. 

"Don't hurt yourself, darling. Remember to use the proper lubricates," Jasper said sarcastically.  

“That’s what the shower is for,” I replied back equally as sarcastic. 

“Thanks for the mental image, mate.”

“Yup,” I chuckled. “So… Just… Take her to the zoo and the beach?”

“Yeah. Sounds downright fucking wholesome, actually. The opposite of Weinstein.”

“Yes. Yes, it does,” I agreed quickly. “I’m going to take Isabella to the zoo tomorrow.”

"Good. That's my darling," he said teasingly, but I actually knew he meant it. He was always encouraging in his stupid sarcastic way.  

“Alright. I’m going to go. I’m need to go throw up.”

“You’ll feel better. Grab some water and some aspirin for afterward.”

“Good idea,” I agreed then hung up on him.

I rushed to my bathroom and vomited up all of the liquor I had quickly ingested that night. He was right, though, I did feel much better afterward. After drinking a bottle of water and rinsing my mouth out, I went into the kitchen where I ate a can of Potato skin Pringles along with a few little Debbies. I needed something to soak up the liquor, and I didn't have any leftovers. These were the most appealing of my snack supply. 

Somehow, I managed to set my alarm for nine thirty. Even more of a miracle, I wasn't nearly as hungover as I thought I would be when I woke up. My shower helped a lot. I swallowed more medicine and another bottle of water before heading into the kitchen again to clean up my mess from the night before. While I was in there, I decided to try my hand at coffee. 

Just as it was finishing, Bella came padding out of her bedroom in her pajamas. She was wearing a tank top and cotton shorts with obviously no bra. I had to quickly avert my eyes. I busied myself by making her a mug just the way she liked it. 

I put it on the counter for her. “I hope it's good.”

"Thanks," she mumbled as she took a small drink. Bella looked so exhausted. Poor darling. I was too anxious to be tired, though. And I had a plan. "What are we doing today?" 

Jasper was right. I knew how to act. I could do it. I could be charming. I put on my best casual smile. “Well, Sundays I normally take a day off. I lay around the house. Usually. But I don't want to do that today. I think I want to go out for a while. Want to get some brunch?”

"Whatever you want to do. I'm just here for the ride." Her smile was weak, and her voice was quiet. She seemed so… depressed. I didn’t know another word for it. I had to make up for it. 

“Let's get brunch then. We'll take an Uber so we can have mimosas.”

“I need to shower first,” she replied as she finished her coffee. Bella pushed her long curly hair out of her tired eyes. She looked like she needed a nap honestly, but I didn’t want to waste a second of the day with her.  

“Of course. I'll be editing in my office whenever you're ready. No rush, just let me know,” I told her quickly.

I got myself ready to leave, stuffing my wallet and phone into my pocket. It vibrated in my jeans just as I slipped it inside. 

“I sent you something.”

I went into my office and sat down at the desktop. The footage of the jump was already in my editing program. When I brought up my email, there was one waiting for me from Jasper. Inside was a few clips. I quickly downloaded them to watch.  

The message in the email read: She likes you, darling. 

The first was the forehead kiss. It was a thirty-second clip. She was so close to me, and the way she looked down at me in it made my stomach twinge with the memory of her lips.  

The next was a clip of her taking a picture of me while Seth filmed it. She smiled when she saw me, her face lighting up.  

  Another was Bella and I just talking, standing very close to one another. This was the longest. I was sitting on the stool beside her, and she was standing. She was playing with her hair, twirling it between her fingers as she smiled. Bella was rocking a little bit in her spot, obviously anxious about the jump.  

“Who would think this is a good idea to promote a game?” She asked me a bit sarcastically. She was obviously being teasing. “Whoops. Killed one of our stars.”

I smirked at her sassy words. I could tell she was actually really worried about me, though. “Well, you jump out of a plane in the game. A lot. It makes sense. Don’t worry, I’ll be safe.”

“You also shoot each other in the game. Something you can do on the ground. Seems safer,” she said dryly. 

“Can you see me with a gun?” I asked, leaning towards her.

Bella leaned towards me, speaking in an even tone as she maintained eye contact, “yes. A Nerf one.”

I laughed at her response in the video. “Actually, yeah. I do have a few of those. And, a few water guns. I’m a child, obviously.”

“I love Nerf guns so much,” she whispered to me. “I have a few. Aiden and I bought them when we were babysitting his niece when she was, like, five,” she laughed at the memory that came to mind, “and me and my best friend played with them so much more. But, playing with my niece was the best because she’d just happily run to get the darts for us.”

“Oh, yeah,” I laughed. It made me miss my nieces a little more. “Isn’t it the best? I love playing with my nieces, too. I’ve bought them so many. Especially when they came out with all the pink stuff.”

“I know,” she said excitedly. “I loved it so much. It made me almost as excited as the girl themed Legos. Something else I embarrassingly own.”

“No. That’s awesome. I mean, you see how many toys I own.” I waved my hand in front of me in the video. I was imagining my shelf, but I had so much more hidden away in boxes.

“I know. I love them. Your shelf is crazy. It makes my geeky heart happy,” she said teasingly, touching her hand to her chest. 

I stopped the video. It was just a blip of a conversation. It meant nothing. I was confused. It was just some of the mindless chatter we had while I was nervous.

“Okay, I get two of the three,” I texted him. “But, the conversation?”

He answered quickly. I had no idea why he was awake. “A beautiful, smart hot grown ass woman told you that she likes your toys.”

“Okay, so? That just means she’s immature like me.”

My phone flashed quickly. “Exactly! You’re into the same things. Food. Video games. Music. Even your childish hobbies. And, look at the way you two are looking at each other.”

“You think so?”

He sent me a series of emoji faces, most of them annoyed. “Yes!!!!!”

“I’m taking her out to the zoo,” I told him quickly in my defense. 

“Good. Report back later. I’m grossly invested. I hate myself.”

“Yeah, yeah. I will. You already know that I will.” Like I had anyone else I would want to tell. 

“Good luck.” Yes, I certainly needed it. 

I put the clips on again, watching them each several times in a row. Then I switched to my own footage to edit. Bella was in so much of it that was definitely not going into the video. I felt like a pervert, but I loved knowing I would have it for later.  

Bella knocked on the door quietly, pushing it open. She was wearing a Star Wars t-shirt and blue jean shorts, her hair pushed back with her sunglasses. She looked much more awake and ready for the day.

“Ready when you are,” she said as she leaned up against the doorframe. 

I might not have been as hungover as I expected to be, but I still wasn't in any condition to drive. Besides, if we were going to loosen up with drinks, I didn't need to be behind the wheel. I was still clinging to the idea that liquor would somehow help. 

The waitress came by our table at the nice brunch place I reserved. “Can I start you off with something to drink real quick?”

“Mimosas, please,” I grinned. “Two.” She quickly scampered away before we could say anything else. Bella looked at me curiously but didn’t say anything. When the waitress came back to the table, she placed them in the center. I pushed one of them towards Bella. “You're off the clock.”

“No, I'm not.” She raised one of her eyebrows and pushed it back towards me, shaking her head. 

She didn’t look pleased. “Okay, well. Just one then. I know you like champagne.”

“One,” she agreed as Bella pulled off her sunglasses and put them on the table. She rubbed her fingers over one of her temples. “Can I also have some water?” She asked the waitress when she came back to the table for a second. “Do you need some of this?” She offered as she pulled a bottle of medicine from her camera bag. 

"No, I'm good." I had taken a handful at home and drank it with half a bottle of pink stomach medicine, just in case. My stomach actually felt okay. I figured carbs and sugar could only help. I settled on french toast while she ordered eggs benedict. Honestly, on another day, I might have ordered the same thing.  

"So, what else do you want to do, or did you just want to eat?" She asked before Bella brought her camera up, snapping a picture of me as I was taking a drink. I smiled and posed like a moron so she could take another picture. She gave me a small smile, clicking away. 

“I think I want to go to the zoo today. It's not too far from here.”

She seemed surprised, but I couldn't tell if it was good or bad. "Oh..."  

What if she hated it? What if she didn’t want to do it? What if this was just another mistake? 

“Is that okay?” 

She shook her head quickly. “Oh yeah, I'm just surprised.”

"Well, you mentioned it yesterday, and it sounded like fun. I haven't done anything like that in ages. It'll be nice to do something wholesome. If you don't want to, it's alright,” I explained to her, swallowing back my nerves. 

"No, I want to. It sounds great." Bella smiled again, weakly.  

I wasn't sure if I was making the right choice for the day until we actually arrived at the busy zoo and she excitedly began to take pictures. Her smile was beautiful. I couldn't help but stare as I waited in line for our tickets while she took close up photos of some of the colorful flora.  

We went to the petting zoo at the beginning. She seemed to really like the goats. She knelt down and giggled as she scratched their chins. I liked them, too, I have to admit that I have always loved animals. Bella didn't seem bothered by them when they tried to nibble on her shirt or at the end of her hair. She just laughed and pulled it away before giving them a little pat. They kept rubbing along her bare legs, leaning into her. 

I was jealous of the goats.

"So, what's your favorite animal?" I asked her curiously. She had been busily taking pictures, and sadly, none of them had her in them. I took her camera from her grip and decided to fix that. Bella instantly began to pose for me playfully. I couldn't hide my smile.  

"Um, zoo animal?" She thought about it, still posing. She was so good at it. Bella was perhaps a little too short to be a supermodel, but she was still gorgeous. "I'd say otters. Or, maybe capybara. They're supposed to be really friendly. Like a hamster. What about you?" 

“Oh, hm. I don't know. Foxes are cute. I liked lions as a kid.” I took a few steps back so I could get her full body in the shot. The bright pink background of the flamingos made her really stand out. Her hair was fluttering in the wind. 

Bella took her camera back with a little playful smirk on her face. “I half expected you to say kangaroo.”

“Kangaroos can get fucked,” I spouted out before I could stop myself. I hated the goddamn things with a fiery passion. Bella laughed loudly, putting her hand on her heart as she did. “No, fuck those mean twats. I got kicked by one as a kid in my backyard,” I quickly explained.

Bella pursed her plush lips before she giggled, “oh, no! Poor baby!”

“I've got a scar,” I began to lift my shirt to show her the mark that I had from the run-in with the evil bastard from when I was a child. I was in the hospital for a day and had twenty stitches, at least. Bella swiftly brought her camera up with the funniest expression and took my picture. “Modesty!” I teased as I quickly lowered my shirt. 

“I want you to know that I was making an Aussie stereotype joke and you out stereotyped me. Bravo. Got any dingo or koala scars? Wanna show me your Drop bear wounds?” She was teasing me. I liked it. 

“No,” I playfully pouted. “Dingoes are bloody scary, though.”

I'm not sure I had ever had that much fun at a zoo before. Bella was such a good conversation partner. She was patient and funny, always invested in whatever I was saying. As the afternoon went on, I felt some of my nerves melt away. I just loved talking to her so much. The mask slipped away as well, and we were just us.  

There were so many times that I simply just wanted to stop and profess myself to her. Tell her that I adored her and her encouraging smile and her sharp sense of humor. I loved her and always would. I didn't know how I knew that in a week's time, but I did. Bella was my soulmate. She had to know. I had to tell her about my feelings. But then she would look at me, my breath would catch, and the moment would slip away from me.   

When we got into the Uber to go to the beach, my anxiety came back stronger. It was getting later in the afternoon already. Why was I letting time slip away like this? 
“Santa Monica pier? Really?” Bella asked, glancing over at me.

I shrugged. “Yeah, I thought we could see the sunset here and get some seafood for dinner.”

“You didn't have to do all of this for me,” she nearly whispered the words. Bella seemed as nervous as I felt. 

“Are you having fun?” I asked before I could stop the words from coming out of my mouth, worried. 

“Are you?” She looked down at her lap before peeking at me sideways through her thick black eyelashes. 

“Isn't it obvious?”

“I could ask you the same.” She smiled at me before she blushed and quickly looked out the window. Her voice was so airy and soft. “I can't imagine a better last day than this. Thanks.” 

“I'm glad you're happy.” Those were the best words I could have heard from her pretty lips. It made me feel light and hopeful. 

I showed out for her, dancing, and lip-syncing to the music playing all around us on the beach. She giggled and happily took pictures. Bella would make a face behind the camera, and I would return it, earning more faces and laughter. She would scrunch up her nose a little when she thought I was being cute.  

“So, you ready for a little nosh, darling?” I said in a cheesy English accent. It reminded me of my grandfather. My grandfathers were the first accents I copied as a child. It annoyed all of my family. 

“Mm, sure,” she smiled up at me. 

“Does seafood sound good to you? There are tons of great fish places around here.”

“I love seafood. Honestly, I’ll eat just about anything.”

“Me too. Come on. There is a great place not far from here that you’re going to love. It’s delicious.”

It was dark by the time we got to the restaurant and the evening was almost over. 
“Alright. That's it. No more, Bella. You're done for the day. You're going to relax. Get whatever you want and save room for dessert, okay?” I informed her. We needed more time without her pretty face behind the camera. She let me take her things, putting them beside me without a fight.

“Fine.” She sat back in her chair and sighed.

When the waitress came to the table, I ordered a bottle of wine I knew she liked. We drank it the other night when she cooked that fantastic meal for me. She didn't argue about it as she had with the mimosa. I didn't think she wanted to. She looked tired, and wine sounded good.  

“You know, I'm surprised no one recognized you today,” she commented offhandedly. 

I instantly felt uncomfortable. I was thrilled no one had. I didn't mind fans, but I wanted to focus all my attention on her. "Well, I'm mainly a voice actor." 

She smirked at me. “You have like twenty million followers.”

“Spread out around the globe. There are seven billion people on the planet. It's not that many,” I tried to explain to her. Bella actually rolled her eyes at me. “I'm not a big deal out here.”

“Yes, you are. You're just not as big a deal as you're going to be... yet. You're going to be a household name one day. It's pretty obvious. You already have an amazing resume, and it's only getting better every day." 

Wow. 

I was actually speechless. My heart fluttered in my chest. Did she really see me that way? I wasn’t sure how. I drank my wine to give myself a moment to recover.

"God, you do fluff my ego so. I mean, I like it. I don't think that will be true, but it's so sweet that you feel that way." 

Bella shook her pretty little head, her hair bouncing. She was playing with her glass, smoothing her middle finger over the rim, her other hand in a fist under her chin. "Edward, you are wildly talented. And, smart. And you are what? Twenty four? Look at what you've accomplished so far. And you just started with Disney! You've already won a Grammy! And you've not mentioned that once this entire week. I'd tell everyone and their mothers. I'd start conversations with 'hi, I'm the Bella Swan who won a Grammy.'" 

“That was just for reading a book.” I shook my head. “It wasn't anything special.”

“Well, I listened to it when I realized I was working with you and I understand why it won. I could listen to you speak for hours.” As soon as the words left her lips, her nose turned a rosy pink. 

"You are so lovely. I started doing all of this to deal with my anxiousness and to help boost my self-confidence when I was having a really hard time. I never imagined I would be doing this six or eight years later. I didn't realize that my entire life had been leading up to this moment. It's better than I ever imagined though," I confessed. Everything in my life had been happening so fast, career-wise. I thought it was actually ruining my love life, but it was just building up to the moment that I met her. 

It was all leading to Bella. 

Fear and panic built up in my chest again. 

“You deserve it. You've worked so hard.” She brought her hand to mine. I turned mine up and squeezed her soft palm with my fingers. It was just a brief warm second. She pulled away when the waiter arrived with our dinner. We were both blushing, I realized. 

I tried desperately to get back to our comfortable conversations at the zoo. She obliged me happily, always ready with a sweet smile and encouraging words. But when we got into the car, I couldn’t find the will to speak. I didn’t know what to say to her. There was too much in my head. My heart actually ached. 

I quickly punched my sister Sasha’s birthday into the keypad, letting us in my house. Bella walked in front of me. 

“What time is your flight tomorrow?” I asked quietly. I was running out of time. There was so little of it left. 

“Noon. So, I'll need to leave by ten to get to the airport.”

I needed more time, desperately so. "I realize you probably need to pack and get to sleep, but would you like to sit by the pool with me for a little while?" 

“Yeah, let me put my camera away and get cleaned up. I'll meet you down there,” she replied quickly. Bella didn’t even look at me as she rushed off towards her room. 

I needed to relax some. My heart was threatening to jump out of my throat. I was going to have a panic attack. Quickly, I fetched my joints from my bedroom before going outside to the pool. When I walked past her room, I realized that she was taking a shower, so I had a few minutes.  

I plopped down on the outdoor loveseat after grabbing a bottle of water and lit the joint. 

“So, you haven’t called me crying yet. I hope it’s because you’re getting some.” I laughed at Jasper’s message. 

“No. But it’s not going badly, I think.”

He replied to me quickly. “Have you told her?”

“No.”
Jasper’s response was instant. “Fucking why? What are you waiting for?”

“I don’t know,” I told him honestly. I really didn’t have a good answer for him. And telling him I was a little bitch wasn’t a good reason. 

“What are you doing right now?” He questioned. 

I glanced back toward the door, hoping to see her, but she wasn't there. “I’m smoking outside. I’m waiting for her. We just got back.”

“And you’re going to tell her now, right? I swear if I have to hear about this for the next six months…” 

Bella opened the back door, slipping outside. She was barefoot and in a lovely black cotton dress that hung onto her shoulders with tiny strings. It fell to her knees, showing off all her fun tattoos on her ankles and feet. I wanted to ask about all of them and learn every story. But, I found I had trouble speaking still. 

She sat beside me on the loveseat, wedging herself against one arm. 

I took a hit and offered it to her. She said she smoked at home and she had drunk with me the last couple of nights. She carefully took it from my fingers and brought it to her lips. Her eyes closed as she sucked in a deep hit into her lungs. Bella held it in easily, passing it back to me. It was so smooth. She looked so damn cool. 

“Thank you,” she said lightly after kissing the smoke into the air. 

“You're welcome,” I answered as I took a quick hit and gave it back to her. I wanted to see her smoke again. I loved watching her full lips. Bella brought it to her mouth as she drew her feet underneath her body. “Thank you.”

She cocked her head to the side slightly, curiously. “For what?”

Oh, just being a beautiful angel that has literally given me one of the most exciting weeks of my life... 

I just shrugged casually, not trusting myself to look at her. 

“Everything.”

 “I haven't done anything special.” I saw her head shake from the corner of my eye. 

"That's not true in the least," I blurted out. I realized this was it. This was my moment, and I was letting it slip away from me. I just needed more time. I lit the joint again, taking a hit. I gave it back to Bella, and she accepted it. We passed it back and forth for a few moments before she declined another pass. It was almost done anyway, getting harsher towards the end of the paper filter.  

 "Will I be able to see all the pictures you've taken?" I asked curiously. I wondered if I would ever get to see those pretty photos of Bella that I took at the zoo. I had luckily taken a bunch with my phone as well in other spots, but those in front of the birds were perfect. She did have a very nice camera, too.  

“Oh, yeah. The magazine should show you everything.”

“No. I mean for your personal collection.”

“Oh,” she breathed quietly. Bella hadn’t expected that. “Yeah if you want to. I can give you the link to where I upload them. I forgot to earlier in the week.”

I pulled out my phone. Maybe I could at least cultivate a real friendship with her and hopefully get the nerve up to actually ask her out later. I needed to find an excuse to go to New York very soon. Maybe I could just show up at her door with flowers one day. 

“Why don't you give me all your contact information? Just so I know I have it. I'm sure I have it somewhere but just so it's easy.”

Bella took my phone and typed a lot of things into note feature I was always using. She didn’t give it back to me, instead placed it face down on the table. 

We sat in silence for so long. She looked so beautiful. I found it hard not to stare at her again as she gazed out over the lovely city view. I could see the clouds in the distance with the promise of rain. I hoped it really stormed. 

Why couldn’t I just tell her? Why was I so scared? My hand was actually shaking. I stubbed out my joint and sipped my water, trying to find my courage. Where did I even begin? What could I say to this woman who was perfect for me? Why was I like this? Fucking anxiety. 

 Then Bella stood, pulling me from my swirling thoughts. 
“I need to head to bed. I have a long day tomorrow.”

“Right. Of course,” I could barely get the words out. 

Bella wrung her hands nervously for a moment, licking her bottom lip as she considered what to say to me. “If I don't see you before I leave, it was marvelous, and I'll remember this week for the rest of my life. If I ever have grandchildren, I'll get to tell them about the week I spent with Eddie Cullen," she said in a light rush, but her voice got higher as she spoke. Before I could say anything to her, she rushed away. "Goodnight," she breathed out softly when she got to the door, turning back to look at me.  

And that was the end of our evening, and I was letting her walk away after saying something like that.  

I was too scared, and I hated myself for it.  

"Goodnight," I said. She gave me a small smile, and I tried to return it, but I found that I wasn't that good of an actor. I brought another joint from the box up to my lips and lit it. I knew I wasn't going to sleep that night, no matter how tired I was.  

I picked up my phone off the table to look at the note she had typed out. Her phone number, her address in Queens, and her personal website. I felt tears start to prickle at my nose as I took another hit. Quickly I typed a message to Jasper before tossing the cell onto the cushion.  

“I’m a stupid fucking coward.”

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