Locke. Chapter Twenty-three: Indisposed

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Chapter Twenty-three: Indisposed 

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For the first week, I didn’t talk to anyone. I refused to. Alice spoke to Jasper first and tried to contact me in several ways. When she finally called Tanya and threatened to come over, I just asked her to give me time. I didn’t know how long it would take, but my heart was having trouble still beating while just laying in bed in the dark. I didn’t have the energy to eat or even really bathe. Holding a conversation was beyond my capability. 

The second week, I at least wrote. I poured all of my emotions into work. I was determined to finish my cop story. Somehow, I had to get it out of my head. I had to get him out. I needed to get rid of his memory. By the end of the week, my bruises were all but gone. There were just slight smudges of yellow and sickly green. I avoided looking in the mirror at all costs. 

I left the house for the first time after three weeks when I had a doctor's appointment. Grocery delivery was the best thing in the world, I had learned. I almost canceled it, but Tanya found out about it when I got the postcard reminder in the mail and insisted that I go. She got Edward in on the act, telling me as a doctor, I should and- 

I agreed to go, just to shut them up.

Edward had, at least, in that time mellowed out and started to treat me like a human instead of an object he wanted to bang. He kept his comments to himself about my appearance as well, though that was probably because I looked like hell. He kept bringing me glasses of water like he didn’t know what else to do. I had a collection on my nightstand. 

The appointment went just fine. In fact, I had lost thirty pounds since the last time that I went to the doctor six months before when I had a stomach bug. I wasn't surprised in the least. My appetite had all but disappeared, and I began to mainly live off of fresh fruit and prepared salads because I didn't have the energy to cook. Everything tasted bad to me anyway. The only thing that I could really stomach was lemon ginger tea.  

Alice insisted that we go to lunch the Saturday after. It was the first time that I hadn't just put on sweatpants in almost a month, and everything I tried fell off. None of my jeans fit. I finally put on a dress that I had in the back of my closet that was probably a decade old and two sizes too small. It fit fine, but I felt stiff in it. I didn't feel pretty, I felt empty.  

When I got to the Mellow Mushroom, Alice had a beer waiting for me. Her eyes got huge. 

“Whoa,” she said quietly. 

“Hello to you, too,” I mumbled. There were already breadsticks on the table. My stomach twisted at the thought. If I hadn’t had my period a few days before, I would have worried that I was pregnant. 

“You look… different. Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m perfectly healthy,” I frowned. She already knew about me going to the doctor and all the results. 

"Okay, well, you look great. You've lost a ton of weight! Have you been working out?" I shook my head slowly, and she frowned. Alice lifted her hand and waved the server over. "Hi, can we get a large ham and pepperoni thin crust with extra cheese, half with mushrooms." 

“Yes, ma’am!” The girl declared quickly, fluttering off.

“Jasper is-” Alice began. 

“I don’t want to hear his name ever again,” I said calmly. 

She sighed. “Well, the FBI guy is pretty miserable too, if it makes you feel any better.”

"It doesn't. He was clear about what he wanted from me, and I ruined a good thing." 

Alice took a sip of her cocktail, picking up a breadstick. “He says he panicked and didn’t know what to say to you.”

"He panicked and decided to use me as his personal sex toy instead of talking to me?" I seriously asked. I shook my head. "No. It doesn't matter. If he had something to say to me, he could. He still could. But he's a coward. Who am I kidding anyway? I was probably just one of a dozen women that he has scattered out in all the places that he goes regularly." 

“No,” she retorted immediately. “You know him better than that.”

“I thought that I did.”

“Jasper misses you!”

“Stop it!” I hissed. I drank half my beer in one angry go. “It doesn’t matter. Can we please just talk about anything else?”

“Fine,” she sighed. “Did you want to come to my parents’ for Christmas? They invited you, like always.”

I looked away. That was a couple of weeks away. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know if I’ll be up to it. Let me think about it.”

She nodded slowly, reaching for my hand. “Okay,” my friend pouted. “If you’re not, it’s okay. I’ll come to you after and bring you food. I’ll just tell them that you’re sick with the flu or something.”

“Thanks,” I laughed at how willing she was the lie to her family. “How’s school going?”

"I am so glad that it's the last week of the year. I'm so fucking tired," she began and away she went. I hardly had to speak for the rest of our lunch.  

After we ate, she refused to let me just go home. Instead, she took me out shopping. I had little interest, but she kept finding clothes for me. She forced me to try on several dresses, shirts, and skirts. When I refused to buy anything, even if I agreed that they did look nice on me, she bought me a new dress, a blouse and a skirt on her store credit card. She said it had a good coupon and got points, shoving the bag at me. 

Then she took me next door to the beauty supply store. There she didn’t even pretend that it wasn’t just for me. She started picking things out and putting them in the basket. I allowed her to drag me along, mainly commenting on which scents that I liked the most. By the time we left, she had gotten me some hair, skin, and lip masks, along with nose strips, too. And she topped it off with a sweet-smelling lotion.

She helped me bring all of it into the apartment. Tanya was away for the night, staying at Edward’s. They had gone back to their usual horny selves and had become respectful enough to not fuck around me, at least. 

My best friend took me by my shoulders. "Now, look at me. You are going to use all of these! Do you understand me? You are going to go march into that bathroom and pamper yourself. You're going to do some self-care and feel refreshed. And if you don't, I will know, and I will come here and spank you myself!" 

I genuinely laughed quietly for the first time in what felt like months. “Fine.”

“I’ll have Tanya check for me tomorrow. Don’t test me,” she said as she pointed her tiny finger in my direction.

“You’re not at all threatening,” I smirked, shaking my head. 

She waved her hand in my face. “Just do it! Alright, I need to go. I’ve got to get up early tomorrow for church, and I have some stuff to do first.” Alice huffed loudly. It was her father’s first service as the pastor of the church. She didn’t want to go but was any way for her daddy.  

“Tell him good luck for me, and I’ll come to see him soon. And thanks for today. You’re a good friend.”

Playfully, my best friend winked before slipping out the door. 

I sat on the couch and stared at the bag of goodies for a long time. There wasn't anything else that I wanted to do. I wasn't really in the mood to write. So, after I hung up my new clothes, I stripped and put on my silky blue robe.  

In the bathroom, I scrubbed my face clean first. The hair mask was supposed to sit the longest, so I put it on first. It was hot neon pink, a thick heavy clay. I had my hair piled on top of my head in a bun. Next was the nose strip. It was rainbow-themed. The face cream that Alice had selected was slimy green, unsurprisingly since it was avocado, green tea, and aloe. My lips were last. It was sugar scrub with vanilla in it. You were supposed to let it sit for ten minutes before you rubbed it in and licked it off.  

Everything should have been ready to come off at once. I set a timer on my phone. 

There was a gentle tap at the front door. Slowly picking up my phone, I walked to it. People rarely knocked on doors anymore, and I wasn't in a condition to talk to a salesperson or a Jehovah's Witness. I looked out the peephole and gasped loudly.  

Jasper was standing there in a full dark suit, his long black wool trench coat going to his knees. In his gloved hands was a large bouquet of roses. And he looked beautiful. 

Opening the door just a tiny crack, he took a step forward but realized it wasn’t going to open anymore. “Um, hi,” he said, trying to peek inside. 

“Jasper?”

“Bella! Hi! Um… Can- Can I please talk to you? I- I really… I’m- Please?” He begged in a way that I had never heard him speak before. It was tiny and nervous, almost frightened. 

“You’ve ignored me for a month-” I began. 

He put his hand on the door frame. "I wasn't. I was scared, and I knew that I couldn't do this over the phone. Please? Will you at least open the door? I realize that I don't deserve even that, but I want to at least try to-" He stopped, taking an exhaling breath. "Please?" 

I swung it open, and he took a literal step back in surprise as his eyes registered my appearance. "Well, come in," I snapped, waving my hand inside. He ducked his head and walked past me quickly.  

“I have imagined this going a thousand ways, and not one of them started like this,” he mumbled to himself. 

I laughed angrily, crossing my arms over my chest. “All of this shit comes off in a few minutes. So, you have until then. Better talk fast.”

Jasper steeled himself, licking his bottom lip as he looked away from me for a moment. He closed his eyes, his face down. “I’m sorry. I am worthless for making you feel this way. I want you to know that everything you said that night was true. You don’t deserve this. You deserve so much more than me. And you deserve way more than two nights a month.” 

He paused, taking another breath. "And that's why I didn't tell you how I felt after the movies and why I didn't say anything after. Because you deserve more than what I can give you. And I tried to convince myself that you're better off without me and that, maybe, hurting you, so you could move on, was the right thing. But it wasn't. It was cruel and weak. And I will regret that for the rest of my life," he began to tear up a little, and he looked away again, his voice low and intense.  

“But I’m selfish,” he sniffled, looking up at me hopefully. “And I want you. I’ve wanted you for months. And I know that I don’t deserve you.” He looked down at the roses. “I knew that I couldn’t do this over the phone,” he repeated. He had given this speech in his head before, practicing it.  

“What do you mean, you want me?” I questioned quietly. “What is that even supposed to mean? You had me.”

His grip tightened on the flowers. “And I wasted that precious gift. I realize that. I want you, Bella. I want you to be mine. In every way.”

I laughed again, looking away from him. He continued, "I know. Look, I know. I am so sorry. I am willing to beg. I've wanted-" He stopped then laughed bitterly. Jasper shook his head. "Every time I see you, I just feel in awe of you and unworthy because, Bella, you're so brave and strong. And smart. And I knew that you deserved more than what little time that I could give you so, I held back. Or I tried to. But I want more. So much more. I want to give you everything, and I knew that I couldn't come to you without real proof of my feelings and my intentions. So, I put in for a transfer for a permanent position here in Dallas." 

Softly, I gasped. “But you love your job!”

“No. I like my job. I love you, Bella.” 

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