Episode One-hundred-ten: Pause

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Episode One-hundred-ten: Pause

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I woke up around the same time that Edward did to get ready for my day out. Sleepily, I made him coffee while he showered after his quick workout. In a big Tupperware, I made him enough food to share with everyone that I knew would be in that trailer as soon as he arrived. People gravitated towards him naturally like a moth to a lamp. He was always the brightest in the room.

He took my offering with a smile, gripping it with both of his big hands. The container looked so much small in them. “What’s this?” 

“Fresh bagels with homemade cream cheese. I was trying the cheese recipe for the first time,” I explained. “It’s really good. And… umm…” I thought about it tiredly, trying to work through my haze. My coffee hadn’t fully kicked in yet. “Blueberry and some raspberry jam. Bacon, sausage. And some fruit.”

Edward took me by the waist, holding the container in the other hand, and pulled me to him for a great big kiss. He smiled against my lips, his palm sliding up my back as he pressed me to his chest. “When did you have time to make all this?”

I laughed a little at his reaction. Whenever he was like this, it just made me want to cook him something else. “I made it the other day for the videos with the boys. Except for the meat. The bacon and sausage didn’t take that long,” I smirked a little. “There are bagels in the freezer for whenever you want more, by the way. I’ve got it just stuffed so full of food right now. If we keep doing cooking videos the way we are, we’re going to need a bigger fridge and a stand-alone freezer.” I took a sip of my coffee. “And to up our workout routine,” I mumbled jokingly into the cup. 

“Oh,” he said, taking my jesting seriously. “That is a good idea. There is room in the garage for both of those, probably. Why don’t you get them today as well?” He pulled out his personal credit card from his wallet and held it up to me with his two fingers. “If you have time. Use this for your personal shopping today.”

I took it from his hand slowly, rolling my eyes at him as I shook my head. “One does not simply just go out and buy new large appliances, Edward. I’ll do some research on what would be best for us first.”

His driver texted that she had arrived and was waiting for him whenever Edward was ready, his phone dinging loudly in his pocket. Once again, he pulled me close and kissed my mouth lightly. “Yeah, probably a good idea. Have a good day. And shop like me!” He reminded me firmly, waggling his finger in my direction. 

“Yes, sir,” I purred just as he was heading out the opened door. I saw him turn around for a second and pout. “See you this evening. I love you.” I wiggled my fingers teasingly at him, smirking as I raised my eyebrows a little. 

Edward’s smile went to one side. “I love you, too.” 

I finished my coffee with a grin. After working out and showering myself, I decided to go ahead and start shopping. I really had no idea how long it was going to take.

If Edward wanted a variety, he was going to get it. As cheaply as possible. Vinyl, satin, silk, lace, and cotton. Bodysuits, corsets, panties, bras, teddies, and anything else slutty that I could find at the five different stores that I visited. I ended up having dozens of sacks. They were also filled with lipsticks in shades that I didn’t have, lots of cheap jewelry, and the closest thing that I had ever gotten to stripper heels before. He was going to be pleased. 

It was just after two in the afternoon when my phone rang. I had returned home to drop off my new clothing before going to the grocery store. I wanted to start my new stuff in the washing machine before I did. Or what could be, anyway. I was on a search for the scissors to cut off tags when I heard it mumbling under something. Jasper’s sweet ringtone sang to me under a sea of plastic and thick paper. It was his day off, but I knew that it was early in the day for him. Tossing a couple of bags, I finally found it under my purse.  

“Hi, handsome,” I began right away lightly, kind of panting and smiling to myself. 

“Hello, dove,” he replied tiredly. It instantly faded. 

“What are you doing awake?” I asked gently. “You need to take it easy today.”

Jasper hummed for a moment. “I couldn’t sleep. My brain hates me.”

Making a noise of understanding, I sat on the edge of the bed as I did. “I know how you feel. My brain hates me, too. But I went to my new therapist yesterday, and I think that I like him,” I commented as I tried to lighten my voice again. “What’s going on in your head?”

“Oh,” he said softly. Jasper gave an awkward laugh and sighed. “It’s stupid. I just had a nightmare, and I can’t get it to stop replaying in my head. I was hoping that your lovely voice could drown it out.”

Kicking off my shoes, I got more comfortable. “Aw. I’m sorry. What was your nightmare about?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he replied almost before I finished asking the question. 

“Tell me about it, and we can pick it apart. Make it less scary,” I offered. “Usually, when you shine a light on these things, it helps your brain to realize that it’s not a possibility, and it moves on.” 

He laughed again, almost brokenly. “Oh, sweet girl. Here’s the thing, it’s a strong possibility and most likely what is going to be my reality.”

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he repeated quickly in a sigh. 

My chest burned, my shoulders feeling as if they were being pulled to the floor with their heaviness. “No. Tell me. I don’t like that. Don’t- Don’t hide things that obviously upset you. I want to help. Please?” I pleaded softly. “It’s just a dream. Tell me about it.” 

Jasper huffed loudly when he realized that I wasn’t going to give up. “I dreamt that we got in a fight, the three of us. And it was so bad. Lots of screaming and crying. And I was the problem. No matter what I did or said. We broke up, loudly and dramatically. With me begging…” He paused. “Then Tony kicked me out. He told me that he never wanted to see me again. That he wouldn’t even think about me. Not even in memories.” He struggled to get the words out. “And you chose him, as you should-”

“It’s not going to be like that,” I promised, interrupting him immediately. My fingers tightened in a fist on my knee. “Have enough faith in us that even if we don’t make it as a romantic partnership, we will always be your friend. Edward would never cut you out of his life for any reason. There is nothing you could do-”

“He needs to think about his career. He needs to think about his future with you.” 

I clicked my tongue in annoyance. “He has! He constantly does! So do I! This isn’t going to change either of those things negatively.”

“That’s not true.”

I flopped back onto the bed. Several of the bags fell around me. “Jasper! Please! We need you here.” He huffed again loudly because he didn’t believe me. “To help me. I need you to help me. Let’s be real, he doesn’t need us. But I’m going to be selfish for a moment. I need you for my career. We’re starting the network soon. Edward, Tyler, and Seth are not going to have time to keep up with their things and help me, too. I’m so far behind their skill set. I can’t do it by myself. And I know that I can’t keep up. I can’t do the cameras or editing. But I need to show our boyfriend what I can do. And I need to show myself, but I know that he didn’t start alone. He had you. And now I need you,” I confessed. 

“I promise that I will help all that I can when I get there,” he swore instantly, his rich voice getting deeper. “I still want to come. With all of my heart, dove. Really I do. I’m sorry. I’m just so scared of screwing this up with you. And him. I don’t want to end up alone again, but this time in a foreign country.”

Painfully, my breath caught in my throat. “I would never let that happen to you. I will always be your friend, no matter what transpires between us, because I care and respect you too much not to have you in my life in some way. And if it doesn’t work out, I will still need your friendship. I would never let you feel alone, and neither would Edward.” I unexpectedly began to cry. The emotions were suddenly so overwhelming, bubbling to the surface. The fat tears rolled down my cheeks, running down my nose. “I promise that I will try my best to never do anything that would.”

“Oh, Bella,” he squeaked out, and I could hear the bed shift around him. “I know, baby girl. I know. I’m not worried about you at all. Honestly, I’m worried about screwing it up. Your lives are perfect right now.”

“No, they’re not,” I sobbed. “You’re not here.”

Jasper sighed deeply. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Bella… dove. Dammit.”

“I’m crying because I miss you, you idiot.”

And then he began to cry, too. “I know. I do, too.” There was a pause where I could hear his tears and sniffles. In the smallest voice, he asked, “do you really need me?”

“Yes!” I all but shouted. “He doesn’t need us. I know that. He would be successful no matter what, he’s proven that, but he needs us to make him happy. But I do! Please believe me.”

He took a long shaky breath. “I do. You know what?” Jasper swallowed. “I can help you with your career. If Tony is going to drag us into it, we’ll do it together so that we don’t drown. I think that he forgets that you don’t know everything that he does. And I know that you’re going to be something, just like him.”

“Something? A train-wreck, maybe. I’m too old to be starting this shit now.”

“No. Not even close. You know, I was reading about Julia Childs. She didn’t start her cooking career well into her forties.”

I laughed a little, shaking my head as I pushed my hair out of my eyes. “I’m not Julia Childs.” 

“No, you’re Bella Swan. And they’re going to mention your name in the same breath.”

“Oh…” I said softly. “This is where Eddie came from.” He laughed just a little but didn’t say anything. “I just wanted to make fun videos with my boyfriend. I didn’t know that it would turn into this.”

“Are you having fun?” He asked. “Even if it’s not exactly what you thought it would be?”

“Yes.”

“Ah, well then. That’s all that fucking matters. I’ll teach you a thing or two. We’ll make those videos together. We will see where this goes together. And I’ll finally hire people to help us.”

I smiled, biting my bottom lip. “Okay, good. Sounds perfect. But there is something that I need you to know.”

“What’s that?”

“Someone with a soul as good as yours could never ruin anything.”

Jasper chuckled a little and sighed. “You make me feel so good about myself. It’s so nice. See, this is why I called!”

“Even if you didn’t want to tell me why.” I wiped a stray tear away. 

“I didn’t want to tell you because I knew that you wouldn’t like it. I knew that it would upset you.”

“You have to know that Edward loves you more than that. Look… I dated my best friend, and we broke up. We still lived together afterward. And she will always be my best friend. I still love her and would kill for her. And we did it as a teenager. We are all adults. It’s got to be easier, right?”

He snorted. “No.”

“Shut up and let me pretend it will be for a little while.”

“Okay,” Jasper chuckled a bit at my sassy attitude. “Anyway, what are you doing today?”

“Um,” I drew out a little awkwardly. “So, it was my turn to plan a date night, and he wanted to do it at home. And I asked him if he’d like to… um, dominate me. All-day long. And he requested that I shop like him while getting lingerie for the day. I just finished that. The bed is a sea of slutty sleepwear.”

There were several clicks of silence. “Oh, goddammit.” 

I laughed. “What?”

“Are you serious?” He softly whimpered. I laughed again. “So, what you’re telling me is to not open anything he sends me at work for the next week?”

Giggling, I ran my hand over my cheek. All my tears were forgotten. “Mm, yeah. You probably shouldn’t ever. He has a thing now. Oh... Having fun with our porn, by the way?”

Jasper scoffed. “I have watched it all many times. Every angle.”

“You told him that you like ‘amateur’ stuff,” I teased. 

“I know,” he whined then laughed. “I’m having fun with my own edits that I plan to send him. Hopefully, I’ll have a little payback today.”

“Honey, he loves it. It doesn’t work like that.” He snorted at my words, making me giggle. There was a lull, and I sighed, biting my lip for a moment as I thought about his fears and my own. Drowning was an apt way of describing them. I felt as if I was choking on my own. “I’m sorry that you had that nightmare, but I want you to know that it’s all that it was. That won’t be our reality. I don’t know what it will be yet, but we’ll shape it.” 

“Yes,” he agreed. “We will. Together.”  

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